Can't edit, allow me to apologize, I shouldn't say I we wouldn't get along. That's not true. I chalk it up to I'm not sure how to put it into words. Yes, I won't talk about it anymore. Consider it dropped. Yes, I still get angry thinking about it.
I say I apologize cause you in question Clidus had nothing to do with the events itself. I also apologize because well, I had this feeling come over me that's very intense. So tense in fact the previous anger and feeling pale in comparison. So, perhaps cause I couldn't or didn't know how to articulate as a 14/15-year-old boy when I came here. I can now. Because, well. Unfortunately, umm you do things to whats the word I'm looking for. I came to this forum after playing Final Fantasy VII to run from reality. I didn't like it. I started the roleplay or the post as Cloud because to me that felt better. Anything to just escape. To me, I felt I guess better about myself doing that.
So it kinda became uhh more important than my friends, uhh school, anything just to not feel I guess. I wanted to be someone else. I didn't like me I guess, not sure. So generally, I brought my two best friends along. It was easier to do this than to talk to someone, I'm not sure even now what the issue was. So, ya know I didn't have my own computer so I had to use other computers. And, uhh when I saw that ban happen. I was very devastated. It was my first forum, uhh I was doing something that made me happy and I figured including my friends would make me even happier. I tried relentlessly to prove to Cyrus that we were all different people. Pictures with my buddies gfs webcam. didn't satisfy Cyrus cause I couldn't verify every IP location that he had. That was hard to remember. Even though they were only a couple of places. I cause they had dynamic IP's so every computer was different despite it being on the same network. I'm not sure. But, it left me very angry and when I did the thing I did, I dunno why I said that to Taryn. I was really really angry. And, it just wasn't right. So, I spent the next couple years trying to capture that feeling and it just never happened. It was like smoking my first blunt, that high, it was incredible.
It's like being robbed of something that you felt you needed and it only happened cause you were wanting your friends to enjoy this diamond in the ruff you never knew existed. Of course, my friends didn't and still don't know the significance this place held for me even now. That's how good I am at hiding things. I still wonder to this day was anyone able to notice anything wrong with me or am I really that good at hiding things? I feel shame for it. I also feel like people who made me or know me for that matter should have been able to tell. So, since I'm being honest. I just had this random feeling right in the chest area, and I don't want no one to be alarmed. I don't have the guts for it. But, I really wanted to stop feeling. If that makes any sense. So, to kinda give you an idea of why I felt so strongly, I feel like I at least owe it to someone to say it to. And, partly because I don't think anyone I know will ever understand. Or, that I really want or don't feel like I can articulate that to them. Them being the people I see every day, who I call family. Who I call friends. And, to me. That's the greatest tragedy in life. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. That's not what this about. This is you guys understanding me. The person behind the username. The person that is typing up those words. The person who would read the awful things you would say about me in the aftermath. And, being vilified by the people who I wanted to be my friends. I did bring a lot of it on myself. But, I'm not even sure where I'm going with this..or what the point even really is. I learned something from it though, I learned compassion. And, I realized, that you can't say whatever you want. Sure, you can log off and pretend it's not real. But, sadly just because you can't see my face and vice versa, doesn't make it hurt any less. I apologized to Taryn. I emailed her a very nice long email explaining to her my regrets and asking if she would forgive me in 2012. That was before I even dreamed of making an account here. If she had not accepted my apology. I wouldn't have come back. It felt good to get it. I follow her on Instagram. I am grateful, she forgave me. You know, I always said I wish I could do it all over again knowing what I know now. Cause, I would do it differently. No, I don't want your sympathy. I don't want you to feel sorry me. If anything I just want to be understood. And, not misunderstood.
Last edited by Cloud Strife
on Sun May 12, 2019 1:04 pm, edited 4 times in total.