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| FFVII Citadel Forums - The Pub - Highly unfortunate |
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BaleFire Kalm Fang Level: 30  Posts: 255/269 EXP: 148866 For next: 17003 Since: 12-28-06 From: Inside myself Since last post: 537 days Last activity: 537 days |
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| So guess what guys? I'm not going to be around much longer! Those medical doctor type people are telling me I got about two weeks to live.
I got something wrong with my brain appearantly. I started having weird twitches and I'd start smelling and seeing strange things. And as far as I was aware I wasn't intoxicated in any manner, so... MRIs and CATs haven't really identified much, just that my brain is randomly overfiring for some reason. I'm at home for the time being, but they seem to want me to stay at the hospital for some reason. :P BIG IMPORTANT NOTE!! This is not a pity note/letter/thread. If you pity me I will find you and punch you in the face. I'm just letting you all know. Because disturbingly enough, this is among the more exciting moments of my life. And because I don't like losing control, and this is a way for me to stay in control. So yeah... |
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Reno the Turk Chocobo Level: 32  Posts: 305/316 EXP: 189159 For next: 17283 Since: 01-02-07 From: da Nati Since last post: 457 days Last activity: 466 days |
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| That is truly tragic to hear.
Recently, I read the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. It is about a teacher named Morrie, who had a disease in which he would be dead within months. It is about trying to live life to the fullest before death, which turned out to be very fulfilling for him. Use your time wisely. You have my prayers, and hopefully bunches of others. |
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Ex-SOLDIER Sexy Exy Adminator-in-Chief Level: 56  Posts: 803/1057 EXP: 1359446 For next: 38730 Since: 10-28-05 From: Sydney, Australia Since last post: 3 days Last activity: 21 hours |
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| Dude, now is the time to do EVERYTHING you ever wanted to do. I don't want to sound heartless, but if you're going to go out, go out in a Blaze of Glory!!!
Can I also say....you're handling this incredibly well.....I'll have you in my thoughts my friend. |
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Ultimate Fantasy Spiral Level: 54  Posts: 726/1199 EXP: 1171993 For next: 61877 Since: 12-05-07 From: South Wales Since last post: 8 hours Last activity: 8 hours |
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| Ex is right time to do all the stupid things you have ever wanted to do like for example asking for a martini shaking not stired in Shaun Conery's voice or running across a stage nude in the middle of a play are just ideas. Also it means you can eat or drink stuff without worrying about the health consquences, so basically you can get completely and utterly drunk beyond belief (which is what I would do).
Also I like the way your handling this Bale keep your spirits up and your drink down and do whatever you want. |
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.zPin0sa Naughty NANed Person Level: NAN  Posts: -9868/-9861 EXP: NAN For next: 0 Since: 11-15-06 From: nowhere Since last post: 549 days Last activity: 548 days |
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| Childhood memories, reconstructed with some effort, often yield us emulating what it was like when we were younger, doing things, and imagining ourselves growing older, imagining different stages of our life. When we're young we imagine life like a line, marked by numbers and privileges and autonomy and potential. We imagine that we, entities in ourselves, somehow static perspectives of the universe, get to 'grow up' and keep living. Not so.
In reality every bit of atom that once occupied the spacetime we, relatively speaking, refer to our brain--ourselves--is exchanged out through the countless chemical and electrical reactions that happen between our brains and the blood flowing through it. The food that we ate last week is infinitely closer to our identity than childhood memories, structurally speaking. Experientially; what we remember; and think of ourselves, owes itself, in one way or another, to how the brain has retained representative structures which represent mental states--if the chemical reactions that 'keep us going' were harsher in nature, it might have a more corrupting influence on how we perceive ourselves as static observers. As it is we can get by imagining ourselves to continue being ourselves with little regard to how much our memories are just badly cloned experiences kept in our brain's shed. To be straightforward: the human observer that we remember as 'the child I was' was never you, and that child only had the illusion that it could continue to exist as what you are now. We all also hold the strong illusion that we continue 'living our lives out' until we die. But unless you believe you're some soul that's just in it for the ride, you can't slink past the facts. The mental states that fuel your experience right now are going to be around long enough to experience what death is. If you lived for another 20 years, you wouldn't experience those 20 years anyway. Every single moment in front of you, if you don't mind me getting a little Zen about it, is so absolutely, completely spontaneous and flowing that to really experience you simply submerge yourself in along with the rest. You can badly clone the past, but you can't be the past. You can imagine the future, but you won't be where you imagine. You, as whatever you are, always exists in the undefinable now. Death will change what you are, but it's not so alien compared to eventual and regardfully mundane chemical reactions anyway. If you ask me, death isn't very scary. As a change of experience, it's quite common. Not too long ago, what's experiencing the structure of your brain now was spinning around some cereal and meat. Anyway. Commonly speaking, death is a thing different than any other encountered phenomena, and it's usual that we think it so alien from all other experience. But emotionally speaking, and experientially, death isn't so different than many other forms of possible mental states. Because of our adaptability, it is possible for mostly anyone to soften death as an experience--to take the sting out of it, emotionally defeat it, you know. Most people try to do this cognitively, find themselves hardly sated, and put off the task of thinking about it. But there's a much easier way, and much more fun way. Risk death. Go bungie jumping, jump out of an airplane. You can Google this right now. Do some drugs. Cut off your normal life; learn to put theoretical mind states into immediate action--get used to thinking in the act, moving ad-hoc, wildly, freely and with no restraint. Your brain will boot itself into ready-for-everything mode, and you will have much more control. Then let go with careless intent. (edited by .zPin0sa on 08-04-08 09:23 AM) (edited by .zPin0sa on 08-04-08 09:25 AM) (edited by .zPin0sa on 08-04-08 09:27 AM) |
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Ultimate Fantasy Spiral Level: 54 Posts: 728/1199 EXP: 1171993 For next: 61877 Since: 12-05-07 From: South Wales Since last post: 8 hours Last activity: 8 hours |
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| I have to say this. I back zpinosa 100% in what he said even though I found some of it confussing. Just do the most extreme things you can (Im not sure about drugs) like the stuff zpinosa said. Basically punch death were it hurts and do whatever you want. (edited by Ultimate Fantasy on 08-04-08 11:01 AM) (edited by Ultimate Fantasy on 08-04-08 11:01 AM) |
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Jako Hunter Final Fantastic Moderator "Call of the Wild" was my favorite book! Level: 40  Posts: 341/611 EXP: 411694 For next: 29615 Since: 01-28-08 From: Australia Since last post: 17 days Last activity: 2 days |
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| Watch Stranger than Fiction.
Only because it has Dustin Hoffmon in it. Will Ferrel is a dunce =\ |
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BaleFire Kalm Fang Level: 30 Posts: 256/269 EXP: 148866 For next: 17003 Since: 12-28-06 From: Inside myself Since last post: 537 days Last activity: 537 days |
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| So, I'm at the hospital today when I have another episode. I have my episode (spiders today, lots of homonid spiders) and when I come out of it, my visions offf. Way off. I'm seeing in texturres now. Its very odd. Appearantly what happened was my occipital(?) lobe got fried, and is now not working like it should. I find thiis to be HIGHLY disturbing.
I don't reallyt know how to describe it now. I can still sorta see stuff, but my vision was pretty bad before all this, and it's just gotten worse, but that's not it. Instead of colors I see textures, which makes my already poor vision nearly impossible to decipher. Just writing this is hard, much less reading stuff. Which sucks, since pretty much all I'm allowedf to do anymore is read. Now on to my second point. I'm glad of you guy's support, so don't take this the wrtong way, but why would I suddenly decide to do something now that IO wouldn't have done before? I have never lived my life with consequences, aside from the brief time that I was with Alexandra. Other than that, I never really cared whaty might happen. If I wanted to do something, I did it. This was of course tempered by the face that I didn't really care about anything, and so never got up the effort to doo much, but still, I did some crazy stuff. I've dove off the roof of a two story house into a poool, I've scaled a ninty foot precipice with nothing but a jumprope, I've gone to a French McDonald's and asked for Freedom FGries, I was among the first people in the state of Tennessee to get tazed by a cop (funny story). For the most part I've done most everything I really want to do. There are a few things that I wish would happen, but nothing in particular that I want to do. The idea of getting drunk or high or smoking is repulsaive to me. The only person I'm particularly interested in having sex with refuses to communicate with me. There are only a few other things that I particularly want to doi. Flying is out of the question, even if I live through this, there's no way I can get my pilot;s license now. I want to read more, but thanks to my vision and my life expectancy, there's not much chance of that (though I'm certainly giving it a shot). I would've liked to enter some more fighting tournaments, some MMA or underground freestyle sounds nice. When I retired it was kinda my dream to become a professional student, just taking every class a college has to offer, then moving to the next. That would've been nice. I'd like to finish the RP we're doing here, I hate leaving aa story unfinished. I'd like to get my character in Revelation to level 100, that's the most feasible possibility out of all of my goals (he's level 89 right now). But yeah, I'm actually a pretty boring person. On a high note, I'm supposed to be getting a psychologist soon. I've always wanted to test myself against a real psychologist. See who figures who out first and whatnot. I'm kinda exxcited about that. Oh, and just so you know, I really despise tredmills. PS I ll check up on that book and mocie |
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Ultimate Fantasy Spiral Level: 54 Posts: 734/1199 EXP: 1171993 For next: 61877 Since: 12-05-07 From: South Wales Since last post: 8 hours Last activity: 8 hours |
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Originally posted by BaleFire Ive done that :D Any way I can help with the RP but sadly none of the other things |
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R. Kasahara Underwater MP Genius of Love Host & Newsmonkey Level: 62  Posts: 1016/1349 EXP: 1963420 For next: 21266 Since: 10-22-05 From: The place over there with the thing Since last post: 2 days Last activity: 6 hours |
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| Wow, that's really crazy :O I've never heard of a condition like that.
Anyway, you're in my thoughts. I hope something gets sorted out... (edited by R. Kasahara on 08-05-08 11:17 AM) |
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BaleFire Kalm Fang Level: 30 Posts: 257/269 EXP: 148866 For next: 17003 Since: 12-28-06 From: Inside myself Since last post: 537 days Last activity: 537 days |
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| It seems that neither have the doctors :P
Where's House when you need him? |
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Clyde Strife Resident Yank Whovian Level: 53  Posts: 795/917 EXP: 1100428 For next: 56691 Since: 10-22-05 Since last post: 7 days Last activity: 7 days |
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| I've read this thread several times but have no idea what to say.
The one thing I can think of that hasn't already been said that I would do would be to do something outrageous to obtain the media's attention and get on the news somehow. If everyone in the civilized world heard of you through some crazy antics, that would be some sort of awesome. |
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BaleFire Kalm Fang Level: 30 Posts: 260/269 EXP: 148866 For next: 17003 Since: 12-28-06 From: Inside myself Since last post: 537 days Last activity: 537 days |
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| Nothing major happened today. Only one episode. No psychologist. Lots of treadmill (I hate treadmills).
I got someone to write and read for me, which is pretty sweet. I've always wanted to be a dictator. :LOL: The only way I'm going to get on the news or something is because I'm the only human on the planet who can think himself to death. How stupid is that. PS dictating stuff is so cool!! Having someone read to you... not so much. :( |
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Crimson_Zero12 Jemnezmy Level: 51  Posts: 628/838 EXP: 960428 For next: 53510 Since: 10-25-05 From: Ohio Since last post: 1 day Last activity: 14 days |
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It's the only thing I can think of. |
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BaleFire Kalm Fang Level: 30 Posts: 261/269 EXP: 148866 For next: 17003 Since: 12-28-06 From: Inside myself Since last post: 537 days Last activity: 537 days |
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| I've started getting headaches/migraines. Really bad. I passed out from the pain, which has never happened to me before. I'm gonna be at the hospital full time starting tomorrow.
Thanks for the song Crimson. Editors note: He rambled on for a while about the song and hospitals before passing out again, and none of it really made much sense, so I didn't write it all down. This is the condensed version. |
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.zPin0sa Naughty NANed Person Level: NAN Posts: -9864/-9861 EXP: NAN For next: 0 Since: 11-15-06 From: nowhere Since last post: 549 days Last activity: 548 days |
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| Hey editor: who are you?
How are things going with him from your perspective? |
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Ambigore Smogger Level: 17 Posts: 72/70 EXP: 23199 For next: 1544 Since: 10-24-05 Since last post: 51 days Last activity: 51 days |
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| Are there any updates on BaleFire's health? | |||
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BaleFire Kalm Fang Level: 30 Posts: 262/269 EXP: 148866 For next: 17003 Since: 12-28-06 From: Inside myself Since last post: 537 days Last activity: 537 days |
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| I'm alive. You have no idea how disorienting coma's are. One second I was dictating to you guys, the next I'm in a completly different room and no one's in it. Freaked me out pretty bad. I kinda trashed the place, which, while fun, was uncharacteristic of me. I went through another round of tests after they restrained me. Once again the MRIs and CATs showed nothing, suprise, suprise, but I haven't had another episode. My vision's still off, and I think somebody dialed up the rage-o-meter in my brain, cause I've been having pretty intense bouts of... you know... rage, which is why I'm back at home now. Other than that though, I'm fine, if a bit weak. Not so weak that I can't break a few hospital guards though. That was, and this is no lie, the most fun I've had pretty much ever. Another perk is that I get to keep my writer/reader/nurse girl person. She's hot too. She made a funny sound when I said that, and she seems to still be typing, so I assume that she's writing this down. How great is that? Dictating is amazing. Still no psychologist, which is what I'm most concerned about. I feel that something happened to change my personality. It's mostly the rages, but there's some other things too. Little stuff, that makes my parents and brothers nervous. I'm worried. No, scratch that, I'm freaking scared. I hate being scared. That's one of the things that's changed. I've never been scared or angry before. I didn't really feel much in the way of emotion at all, except for when I was with Alexandra, and that didn't last long. It's odd. I can still go to the way I was before, but it's so much harder to keep the emotions out. Did I mention that that scared me? It does. I hate being scared.
Anyway, I've almost reached the two week mark. It's gone by really fast. Thanks for being there guys. Good night. PS Treadmills still suck. Major. Editors note: My name is Gracie Thomas. I'm a nurse practitioner at UVA. He seems to be all right, like he said, he hasn't had any more seizures, but his bouts of rage are extremely intense. He doesn't realize how badly he got out of control. He completly destroyed that room, and took out two security officers. One has a broken arm, and another's still out with a nasty concussion. They finally got him handcuffed and sedated though, and he passed out. We did some more tests while he was out, but nothing new showed up. He woke up later and seemed to be fine, so the hospital got him out of there as quickly as possible. I was against it, but he caused too much damage, according to them he's not worth it. Other than that he's doing well. He's not allowed out of the house, and he doesn't like that, but he's coping. I don't know what he was like before, but he still seems to be an all right guy. He's a bit arrogant, but what guy isn't. He needs some friends though. He's only had one visitor the entire time, he has nothing to distract him at all except for his workouts, which are now pretty much constant. I can't think of anything else, and he's asleep, so I'm gonna head off. (edited by BaleFire on 08-14-08 03:15 AM) |
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PychoReTard Naughty NANed Person Level: NAN  Posts: -9880/-9836 EXP: NAN For next: 0 Since: 02-20-08 From: Chicago Since last post: 174 days Last activity: 173 days |
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| ?? How'd the hospitable get inside that tiny screen? | |||
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Ultimate Fantasy Spiral Level: 54 Posts: 754/1199 EXP: 1171993 For next: 61877 Since: 12-05-07 From: South Wales Since last post: 8 hours Last activity: 8 hours |
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| Well if I didn't live half way round the Globe I would go vist him.
Any way Bale for the anger just find something to punch eg a punch bag not hospital staff or equipment lol. Well being scared is a bit more difficult. Almost everyone is scraed of death so your not the only one. The one thing I don't like about it is not knowing when it is going to happen. There is no one to tell you whats it is like. I am not going to say if I were in you because that is almost impossible for me to imagin. But I will say one thing fear can be beaten just use whatever gives you confidence. This may not be much help but it the least I can do. Ow one more thing whatever you do don't punch walls you can never tell if their brick or plaster till your hand ethier goes through it or is smashed on it believe me. (edited by Ultimate Fantasy on 08-14-08 10:02 AM) |
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